Mono? Lord, really? otayy

So going to my last post...plans have def. changed. For the past 4 days now I have been in bed. I have been in bed sleeping, hacking up nasty stuff, and watching TV shows. Not to mention the insane sore throat I have. When I am alert I spend my time on Facebook or conversing with someone online. That idea of taking hold of Oviedo hasn't really worked out.
I went to the doctor yesterday and waited 4 hours. Let me explain the experience. I finally get into contact with my Prof. I have to meet her at the autobus station for some reason. So with me being half dead I asked my friend to walk me there. My Prof and I take the bus there. Get off and are completely lost...
We finally find the Emergency room. At first it was a totally breeze getting admitted. I started to think this was awesome. As we took the green line that lead us to the...WAITING room. One reason why I can't stand hospitals. They then again asked me questions and took my blood pressure. In the meanwhile my Prof is translated everything for me. Even though the nurse spoke English. She was so sweet. I loved her. I really did because she made me feel comfortable and at ease.
Then the thing that I dreaded. They took my blood...I've had blood drawn before but holy crap they took so much. Then I got an IV drip to top it off. Which in fact made me feel the best I had felt in days. After that I sat with my Prof listening to The American Story podcast. An hour later they brought me to this room that I swear could of been a interrogating room. A bit weird. Then she dropped the news...mono.
My world shacked for a bit because I knew exactly what it meant...me doing nothing for days on end. Finally we left after 4 hours.
I talked to my brother Blake and my dad that night. And my dad gave me some daunting news to my world. If I don't feel better as in better, than I did Sunday, Barcelona wasn't an option. My last excursion through the beauties of Spain. He also said it might be wise to stay home during January...I almost cried. Weird but I miss Calvin and in January I had some many things going. Two classes, my job back, and living in a house with out my dad for the first time.
So what is God trying to say? I'm not really sure at all. I'm confused. But this is life and he has it in his hands.
For this week. My plan of action. Is to sleep the whole day. Or least try. I'm terrible at sleeping in the day for long periods of time. And drinking tons of water. I currently possess a 1.5L water bottle. Drinking that baby twice a day or even more. My body will wake myself up to get a drink...its insane. I will most likely lose a bunch of weight. I haven't had coffee or soda sense last Wednesday. I haven't smoked a cig in over a week. Maybe this is God's way of telling me how insanely horrible my way of taking care of my body was wrong. I wouldn't doubt it one bit. As I proceed to get better...that will be my "motto".
I also have this terrible time of letting people take care of me other than my mom. I honestly taking care of so well by my mom when I was sick. It was like the all knowing mom syndrome. She would ask a question like, "would you like scrabbled eggs? That would make you feel better, uh?" And of course she was right. She took care of my body better than I did.
With the things changing at snap...I have to proceed to a healthier me for many reasons.
So my readers, pray that I feel better soon. Pray for my host mom has this might not be easy on her. Also, I hope to see my States readers soon. :]

So this last month I'm taking a hold of Oviedo and saying yes to God.

Tomorrow I reach my last month here. My last weeks. I have already planned out and sketched out what I will be doing. There are some gaps but gaps are healthy. With this last stretch of Spain I have some decisions to make.

How will I react, feel, what will I want, do, in these last weeks? Shall I stay in this contact mode with people in the states? Or will I again get consumed by Oviedo. I'm picking Oviedo for various of reasons. I'm stepping back from this constant mode of contact with people. I'm honestly exhausted by it. I want more than a chat with you and more than a smile from you.
The only person that I tend to come away from it in a more content feeling is my Dad. I know he will always be there. I look forward to skyping him once a week. In fact I'll cancel things to just talk to him. He is home.

Other people either make me feel sad inside or are just plain not in contact with me. So in this last month I'm refraining from the usual stock on facebook. The logging into facebook chat is now coming to an end. Giving a healthy separation from the other world I seem to be craving.
To be honest with you blog readers...I'm tired of trying to skype or get into contact with ones that seem to more than 9 or 6 hrs behind me. They seem to be more like weeks behind me.

This last month is my month. My month to get my fill of what God can still teach me here. This thing called internet is beginning to be annoying and destroying my ability to fully be captivated by Spanish.
Today I woke up this morning and got ready. I found myself with 20 minutes left to despair. I was overjoyed because I knew what I wanted to do with that time and that was to pray. I feel like in those 20 minutes I prayed for my needs and everyone else I could think of. I prayed for more nerve to just speak spanish to my host mom. I did just that tonight at dinner. And for 10 minutes we held this crazy bond that I never knew could happen. We related.

In that moment I knew I have changed. I knew in my demeanor I have changed...I knew in my character that I have changed. I knew in my thought process I have changed. Some know this and others don't. I used to be really depressed and I had no idea what to do about it but just die in it. Now I feel as though that person is far gone. It is like I am on top of the mountains in Los Picos de Europa and at the bottom, in the valley, is the old me.

I don't know how life works but I do know that once you take a hold of it and say yes to God...it's simply breath taking. So this last month I'm taking a hold of Oviedo and saying yes to God.

Picos de Europe

This weekend...
I think it was a break through. Everything I seemed to be striving for felt victorious this weekend. I'll explain.

I went to Picos de Europe in Covadonga. This small city is so important to Spain because this is where the Reconquest started. Amazing huh? Well, that was just a side story for some reference I suppose. Anyways, we took two hikes...one on Saturday and the other on Sunday. The two hikes were drastically different...

After we got done with the first hike the people I was with got separated from the rest of the group. We had no idea where they went. The location of where we were is also very secluded so there isn't a store just a few restaurants that close quite earlier. My friends and I were so hungry, mainly because we thought there was going to be a store there where we could buy us some food. There wasn't. We started looking for a place to eat but there was nothing. We called someone in the other group and they gave us vague directions...To put our emotions in more into perspective. We walked around dirty, hungry, and tired in the talk for an hour. All are not good combinations. Most of us, or all of us...were quite frustrated and angry towards some people in the other group for not waiting for us or calling us to tell us where they were. When we finally got to the restaurant that was open...the guy who worked there said it was closed.
I started to feel so angry and almost tormented. My past response to this would be cussing or getting so enraged...I tried to cuss. The words felt so unbearably foreign to my tongue. Like I tasted soap in my mouth. Then I knew that all this work I have been doing myself was paying off. God gave me this weird reward. A distaste for the common way society says I should react.

Saturday night I was so excited to sleep. I was going to sleep in a big bed with E.B. The night seemed so incredibly needed. The night came to sleep and E.B was sick. She coughed the whole night...not fun for sleeping, for the both of us. I found myself rubbing her back in my half a sleep state. We slept through my alarm. As soon as I woke...I knew there was breakfast for me downstairs in the hotel we stayed in. My friends this hotel was gorgeous and one of a kind.

The view from outside

Quickly I put on some clothes and came down to a fantastic breakfast. All I could think was..."THANK YOU GOD...for providing endless cups of coffee." We took a cab to our central and starting point of our hike. The hike took in totally 6 to 7hrs. 

There was this point in the hike that I thought I had enough and was so ready to give up. In my past behavior I would of put on some type of attitude showing I was hurting and had enough. I would of basically acted as a brat. I felt it coming on and quickly I just shouted to Anne that I needed some encouragement. She shouted back in a prayer to God. How perfect was that! I was so completely thankful for that moment. By the time we reached our destination, God defiantly showed His power and His might. He even gave me the encouragement to reach the top and actually see over the top. At the top the winds were well over strong. If I didn't keep a good stance at come points I would of fallen down the hill...because of the wind. At first I was so scared. I'm scared of heights....and no one knows this but I am about to tell the world I guess...I'm more terrified of strong winds. I remember when I was in elementary and the Santa Ana winds would come, I would be so scared that they would knock down a tree or something. I told my mom this when I was little and she told me, "me too." (secrets are just exploding out on here, haha) So I was terrified, SO scared. I almost didn't even go look. Though I felt a pull on my heart to see it and an embrace that I cannot explain but just say God. I put my backpack somewhere safe and went. I saw God's glory reign high. I felt and heard His breath of the wind all around me. I saw the colors of Fall and the mighty rocks that held up the mountain. Nothing was so terrifying and beautiful. I really couldn't stand the mixture. Because it made me so overwhelmed. It was like God had revealed Himself in an entirely different way. 

May I remind you that if you looked down...it was straight down.

This weekend was exhausting and I am still tired from it. It was more needed than I knew. To think that God will still be as amazing as that experience or even better, is more than words can say. I'm blessed.

I have to tweak a few things here and there.

Coming to Spain I thought I would be around Spaniards all the time and quickly learn the language. Both of those are false. The second one is sad but the first one isn't. I have met so many different kinds of people here that I suddenly get impressed by God's beauty once again.
I've lately learned that my personality expresses a non-caring attitude. Sometimes I don't understand how people can come up with that and times I understand. Some say I have developed a lot of fake relationships or in another words a lot of non deep relationships. I have to disagree. Though I have to agree.
I have lost site of whats important time to time because my focus gets distracted in so many directions. My gaze gets pulled on myself a lot. I hate that about myself. I truly just despise it. I wish at times I could be less conceited in my life. To have my eyes open wider around me, instead of having my eye lides closed. To have a gaze on the world and the people around me. I'm I think most of time I present my thoughts or questions to or about people like an ice berg. I only unleash the tip while there is so much underneath the water. Don't ask me why because at times I have no idea why.
Getting to know an entirely different culture and little cultures mixed in makes you look at yourself. Look at yourself and see what's missing or what's in check. I often forget that people are your best mirrors in life. They show you your outside as well as your inside. It's important to take advantage of that. To really pull at that. Because chances are they tend to know you better than you know yourself. We think that we are so...connected with ourselves but that is so false.
The best mirror I have had is God. The more I get to know Him, the more he starts to point out all these things that I thought were so right about myself. Although, unexpectedly he shows you great things about yourself that you never saw....your potential. What your worth is...Your identity...
I'm not sure how honest I should be with blogs. At times I could tell my life story and other times I don't know if it is appropriate. I'm becoming more private and it seems to be more of a daily thing. I'm not saying anything tell someone asks. Weird but I'm not sure where it is coming from. I'm growing up? I'm tired of people seeing my burdens? I don't know and at times I don't care. I hope I figure out the happy medium soon.
I'm getting anxious here...to be on the move again. though I know I should be content. In Deciembre we are going to Barcelona for the first time. I am so excited and I wish it could come sooner. Though once it does...the trip is almost over. My gaze is either on myself or in the future. I have to tweak a few things here and there.

this is my rant.

I often wonder how I would view life if I viewed it with out the God I know. I would see rain fall after a drought. I would see words in my life like fate, destiny, or coincidence. How I would see good and bad, if I would see them as different substances. I'm not sure to be honest. Though I do know sometimes I wish I could think with those words because life is hard. Actually, let me restate that. God is a hard concept to believe in or keep on believing at times. Life would maybe be viewed a bit simpler or maybe it would be viewed more confusing. As my days in Spain add up...I'm dreading the thought of getting on plane to go back to the States. Although, there are moments in my day where I wish I just had something American or maybe one of my friends or family members here. I'm not sure you can call that homesickness or not. Why? I often wonder what it would be like if I put some roots down here. I think I am afraid of settling too much because I don't want to leave too soon. This thought process as developed a bit into homesickness or maybe some type of boredom. Now where does this view of life come in? No matter where you are and no matter who you are, there is going to be some problems. Some things will pop up and surprise you.
God has surprised me on this expedition. He is chiseling away things and cutting out some of the habits I have made. And it hurts a lot to the point where I wish I could yell at Him...slam the door and then come back in 30 minutes for a hug. During this "procedure" God has answered one of my continuous prayers. A season of rest from chaotic events in my life. The past 4 years have been tough and grueling. It was as though 50 million things were tapping my heart and I was always connected to them. I couldn't breathe or feel the warmth of comfort because it was too cold. Since after my mom's death I prayed a prayer after each time a bad thing would happen. For rest for more than a day and more than week...at least one month MY GOD. I didn't expect him to answer it while I have been in Spain.
Though always be careful when you ask for rest...you can be tempted to wonder around in the new freedom. Do a little exploring.
I had another conversation meeting today. I hate to call it meeting because its too much fun to say that. My partner is really great and this time our meeting was like meeting up with a friend. We spoke first in English. I'm pretty sure we exceeded the time limit for English. I discovered some things about him that could be coincidence or it could be ( and I think it it) God working at play. I didn't expect for him to tell me what he told me. That his mom passed away from a battle of 12 years. I won't go into it because it isn't my information to share with the world.
But that right there meant a lot...it was insightful about who he was. Brave for him to say. He spoke of faith a bit and that is why I brought up fate, destiny, or coincidence.
By chance is something I want to stay far from. By coincidence I want to stay even farther away. I did not get here by chance, I did not get this conversation partner by chance, and I am not in Spain because it worked out. I was placed here. If I believe in chance...I'm afraid that I would have a hard time trusting people or really living life. I wouldn't want to "be in control" of it. Not because I'm lazy or pathetic but because I do not have the power or strength to do that. I would mess up way too much.

this is my rant.

Reflect on the mundane in Spain

Today I had my first "sleep through class" and tandum sessions. Tandum? You ask...Well its like conversation partners. We speak 30 minutes solely in spanish and then 30 minutes solely in english. My partner contacted me in emails and facebook. His grammar and the way he expressed himself, was really excellent. That excellence gave me a very nervous feeling. My spanish still is lower than low. I was dreading this session more than anything. After a successful day of shopping might I say, I went to our meeting place. Like most Spaniards, he dressed nice and was quite cute. If the conversation was poor at least it wasn't a waste of my time. The conversation was primarily about school, Oviedo, and what Fran is doing for school/career. I sometimes don't give myself enough credit and this was one of those times. When I knew exactly what I wanted to say, I could say it in Spanish. I could comprehend most of what Fran said.
I'm not sure why I get so nervous about somethings. I wish I could just go with it. Take a leap and just do it. Instead I hole back...
Boo! on holding back. I will try for the rest of my trip to get myself out there and speak this wonderful language. To live it like a Spaniard.
A typical Spaniard evening on the weekend is like this: Eat dinner around 10. Go out with friends and drink until late in the morning...6am. Eat breakfast and then sleep. Sometimes if you have school the next day, you just go on into school instead of sleeping. Hah wow. I guess Calvin senors do something called a Bar Crawl event. They go to 7 different bars in evening. It starts at 4pm and goes to 2am. When I heard that, I laughed out loud. I think Spaniards would too. It begins during seista time! How could you do that?
Anyways, for most of you reading this...I know a few are family and the rest are my good friends. I've gotten drunk yet or lost my "way". I have been good and I plan I staying that way.
Spain is still treating me quite well. The weather has been great. Apparently this is very atypical weather for them. It is usually cold and raining. Its been sunning almost every single day that I have been here. So happy for that. I couldn't really imagine being in for so long. I'm dreading Grand Rapids' January.
So many things are going to happen after this excursion. At times it is hard to keep my mind in the present. I keep on getting reminded of it...not my difficultly...but that I should keep my mind in the present. Of how important it is. tomorrow will mark the "half-way" point. The thoughts in my head make it seem like I will be here way longer than I actually will be. I'm stricken with grief at that thought. I do not want to be bound by time here. I hate being rushed to see certain things or be certain places. So annoying to me. I want to experience things as they come.
I hope that I can still take every moment as my own or my it my own. Sounds weird but you can easily be in a moment and feel like you are just watching it play out.

Its nice to find a somebody who can be with and not have the need to say a single word.

Its been a intense week in Oviedo. A lot more personal stuff going on. Its hit the point where once I get to October, my study abroad is half way done. I'm starting to get the missing feeling in my heart. It may be that its Breast Cancer Awareness month and at the end of the month its my Mom's 4 year anniversary. I caught some kind of gross cold to add to it. I usually begin to miss my dad, then my brothers, then my friends. I am at the point where I miss my friends...not good.
So what I do to attack this missing throb in my soul? I clean. I literally swiped and dusted my room. I'm more like my mom then I ever thought. Its strange because when she was alive, I thought I was vastly different from her. I couldn't even be related to her. But as the days and now the years go by...I'm noticing how similar I am to her. And how people don't even realize it.
I can see as I get older how balanced my genes are from my Father and my Mother. My anxiety stems from my Dad and my easiness to sleep through the night with no anxiety stems from my Mom. I'm thinking of writing her letter...telling her about this trip. I don't know though. I want to send it. Send it away to someone who will read it. That someone should be someone I know. But maybe not too well or maybe very well.
I wonder if she would be freaking out at the fact that I am in a foreign country for so many months. I can just see her tears now as I boarded that plane. Is this what life is going to be from now on, me wondering what and how my mother would of acted to my grandiose excursions? I think so...the nice thing is, its all positive fantasies of what would of happened.
My host mom has started to be more and more comfortable with me being around. She puts her arms around my shoulders when she thinks something is funny. Talks to me about all the political things and the music she likes. I can understand the things she says but its so difficult because I can't express myself fully. I feel like a 5 year old.
Yesterday, Anne and I went to the park to do homework and relax. We both have been feeling sick so it was a perfect afternoon. We fell asleep underneath the shade and woke up to eat snacks. It was a beautiful afternoon. I drank a beer and she drank a diet coke. We watched the Spaniards come to park, lay their towel down, and take their tops off to bask in the sun. The norms here are quite different but also exciting. Its interesting how women are comfortable to take their tops off next to old men and the like. Anyways, the afternoon was pretty silent. Its nice to find a somebody who can be with and not have the need to say a single word. You can be content in your thoughts and in the presence of another.
I'm intrigued for the rest of the month and next two months. Why? Because this is my life and I am enjoying it. I feel unproductive most days but I will change that by giving myself homework. Other than that life here is great. I keep on thinking to myself that I could settle here. The life isn't mundane though neither is it go go go go all the time. I'm experiencing life in a whole new way and I hope to take some these habits I learn here and bring them to my life in the states.