this is my rant.

I often wonder how I would view life if I viewed it with out the God I know. I would see rain fall after a drought. I would see words in my life like fate, destiny, or coincidence. How I would see good and bad, if I would see them as different substances. I'm not sure to be honest. Though I do know sometimes I wish I could think with those words because life is hard. Actually, let me restate that. God is a hard concept to believe in or keep on believing at times. Life would maybe be viewed a bit simpler or maybe it would be viewed more confusing. As my days in Spain add up...I'm dreading the thought of getting on plane to go back to the States. Although, there are moments in my day where I wish I just had something American or maybe one of my friends or family members here. I'm not sure you can call that homesickness or not. Why? I often wonder what it would be like if I put some roots down here. I think I am afraid of settling too much because I don't want to leave too soon. This thought process as developed a bit into homesickness or maybe some type of boredom. Now where does this view of life come in? No matter where you are and no matter who you are, there is going to be some problems. Some things will pop up and surprise you.
God has surprised me on this expedition. He is chiseling away things and cutting out some of the habits I have made. And it hurts a lot to the point where I wish I could yell at Him...slam the door and then come back in 30 minutes for a hug. During this "procedure" God has answered one of my continuous prayers. A season of rest from chaotic events in my life. The past 4 years have been tough and grueling. It was as though 50 million things were tapping my heart and I was always connected to them. I couldn't breathe or feel the warmth of comfort because it was too cold. Since after my mom's death I prayed a prayer after each time a bad thing would happen. For rest for more than a day and more than week...at least one month MY GOD. I didn't expect him to answer it while I have been in Spain.
Though always be careful when you ask for rest...you can be tempted to wonder around in the new freedom. Do a little exploring.
I had another conversation meeting today. I hate to call it meeting because its too much fun to say that. My partner is really great and this time our meeting was like meeting up with a friend. We spoke first in English. I'm pretty sure we exceeded the time limit for English. I discovered some things about him that could be coincidence or it could be ( and I think it it) God working at play. I didn't expect for him to tell me what he told me. That his mom passed away from a battle of 12 years. I won't go into it because it isn't my information to share with the world.
But that right there meant a lot...it was insightful about who he was. Brave for him to say. He spoke of faith a bit and that is why I brought up fate, destiny, or coincidence.
By chance is something I want to stay far from. By coincidence I want to stay even farther away. I did not get here by chance, I did not get this conversation partner by chance, and I am not in Spain because it worked out. I was placed here. If I believe in chance...I'm afraid that I would have a hard time trusting people or really living life. I wouldn't want to "be in control" of it. Not because I'm lazy or pathetic but because I do not have the power or strength to do that. I would mess up way too much.

this is my rant.