this is my rant.

I often wonder how I would view life if I viewed it with out the God I know. I would see rain fall after a drought. I would see words in my life like fate, destiny, or coincidence. How I would see good and bad, if I would see them as different substances. I'm not sure to be honest. Though I do know sometimes I wish I could think with those words because life is hard. Actually, let me restate that. God is a hard concept to believe in or keep on believing at times. Life would maybe be viewed a bit simpler or maybe it would be viewed more confusing. As my days in Spain add up...I'm dreading the thought of getting on plane to go back to the States. Although, there are moments in my day where I wish I just had something American or maybe one of my friends or family members here. I'm not sure you can call that homesickness or not. Why? I often wonder what it would be like if I put some roots down here. I think I am afraid of settling too much because I don't want to leave too soon. This thought process as developed a bit into homesickness or maybe some type of boredom. Now where does this view of life come in? No matter where you are and no matter who you are, there is going to be some problems. Some things will pop up and surprise you.
God has surprised me on this expedition. He is chiseling away things and cutting out some of the habits I have made. And it hurts a lot to the point where I wish I could yell at Him...slam the door and then come back in 30 minutes for a hug. During this "procedure" God has answered one of my continuous prayers. A season of rest from chaotic events in my life. The past 4 years have been tough and grueling. It was as though 50 million things were tapping my heart and I was always connected to them. I couldn't breathe or feel the warmth of comfort because it was too cold. Since after my mom's death I prayed a prayer after each time a bad thing would happen. For rest for more than a day and more than week...at least one month MY GOD. I didn't expect him to answer it while I have been in Spain.
Though always be careful when you ask for rest...you can be tempted to wonder around in the new freedom. Do a little exploring.
I had another conversation meeting today. I hate to call it meeting because its too much fun to say that. My partner is really great and this time our meeting was like meeting up with a friend. We spoke first in English. I'm pretty sure we exceeded the time limit for English. I discovered some things about him that could be coincidence or it could be ( and I think it it) God working at play. I didn't expect for him to tell me what he told me. That his mom passed away from a battle of 12 years. I won't go into it because it isn't my information to share with the world.
But that right there meant a lot...it was insightful about who he was. Brave for him to say. He spoke of faith a bit and that is why I brought up fate, destiny, or coincidence.
By chance is something I want to stay far from. By coincidence I want to stay even farther away. I did not get here by chance, I did not get this conversation partner by chance, and I am not in Spain because it worked out. I was placed here. If I believe in chance...I'm afraid that I would have a hard time trusting people or really living life. I wouldn't want to "be in control" of it. Not because I'm lazy or pathetic but because I do not have the power or strength to do that. I would mess up way too much.

this is my rant.

Reflect on the mundane in Spain

Today I had my first "sleep through class" and tandum sessions. Tandum? You ask...Well its like conversation partners. We speak 30 minutes solely in spanish and then 30 minutes solely in english. My partner contacted me in emails and facebook. His grammar and the way he expressed himself, was really excellent. That excellence gave me a very nervous feeling. My spanish still is lower than low. I was dreading this session more than anything. After a successful day of shopping might I say, I went to our meeting place. Like most Spaniards, he dressed nice and was quite cute. If the conversation was poor at least it wasn't a waste of my time. The conversation was primarily about school, Oviedo, and what Fran is doing for school/career. I sometimes don't give myself enough credit and this was one of those times. When I knew exactly what I wanted to say, I could say it in Spanish. I could comprehend most of what Fran said.
I'm not sure why I get so nervous about somethings. I wish I could just go with it. Take a leap and just do it. Instead I hole back...
Boo! on holding back. I will try for the rest of my trip to get myself out there and speak this wonderful language. To live it like a Spaniard.
A typical Spaniard evening on the weekend is like this: Eat dinner around 10. Go out with friends and drink until late in the morning...6am. Eat breakfast and then sleep. Sometimes if you have school the next day, you just go on into school instead of sleeping. Hah wow. I guess Calvin senors do something called a Bar Crawl event. They go to 7 different bars in evening. It starts at 4pm and goes to 2am. When I heard that, I laughed out loud. I think Spaniards would too. It begins during seista time! How could you do that?
Anyways, for most of you reading this...I know a few are family and the rest are my good friends. I've gotten drunk yet or lost my "way". I have been good and I plan I staying that way.
Spain is still treating me quite well. The weather has been great. Apparently this is very atypical weather for them. It is usually cold and raining. Its been sunning almost every single day that I have been here. So happy for that. I couldn't really imagine being in for so long. I'm dreading Grand Rapids' January.
So many things are going to happen after this excursion. At times it is hard to keep my mind in the present. I keep on getting reminded of it...not my difficultly...but that I should keep my mind in the present. Of how important it is. tomorrow will mark the "half-way" point. The thoughts in my head make it seem like I will be here way longer than I actually will be. I'm stricken with grief at that thought. I do not want to be bound by time here. I hate being rushed to see certain things or be certain places. So annoying to me. I want to experience things as they come.
I hope that I can still take every moment as my own or my it my own. Sounds weird but you can easily be in a moment and feel like you are just watching it play out.

Its nice to find a somebody who can be with and not have the need to say a single word.

Its been a intense week in Oviedo. A lot more personal stuff going on. Its hit the point where once I get to October, my study abroad is half way done. I'm starting to get the missing feeling in my heart. It may be that its Breast Cancer Awareness month and at the end of the month its my Mom's 4 year anniversary. I caught some kind of gross cold to add to it. I usually begin to miss my dad, then my brothers, then my friends. I am at the point where I miss my friends...not good.
So what I do to attack this missing throb in my soul? I clean. I literally swiped and dusted my room. I'm more like my mom then I ever thought. Its strange because when she was alive, I thought I was vastly different from her. I couldn't even be related to her. But as the days and now the years go by...I'm noticing how similar I am to her. And how people don't even realize it.
I can see as I get older how balanced my genes are from my Father and my Mother. My anxiety stems from my Dad and my easiness to sleep through the night with no anxiety stems from my Mom. I'm thinking of writing her letter...telling her about this trip. I don't know though. I want to send it. Send it away to someone who will read it. That someone should be someone I know. But maybe not too well or maybe very well.
I wonder if she would be freaking out at the fact that I am in a foreign country for so many months. I can just see her tears now as I boarded that plane. Is this what life is going to be from now on, me wondering what and how my mother would of acted to my grandiose excursions? I think so...the nice thing is, its all positive fantasies of what would of happened.
My host mom has started to be more and more comfortable with me being around. She puts her arms around my shoulders when she thinks something is funny. Talks to me about all the political things and the music she likes. I can understand the things she says but its so difficult because I can't express myself fully. I feel like a 5 year old.
Yesterday, Anne and I went to the park to do homework and relax. We both have been feeling sick so it was a perfect afternoon. We fell asleep underneath the shade and woke up to eat snacks. It was a beautiful afternoon. I drank a beer and she drank a diet coke. We watched the Spaniards come to park, lay their towel down, and take their tops off to bask in the sun. The norms here are quite different but also exciting. Its interesting how women are comfortable to take their tops off next to old men and the like. Anyways, the afternoon was pretty silent. Its nice to find a somebody who can be with and not have the need to say a single word. You can be content in your thoughts and in the presence of another.
I'm intrigued for the rest of the month and next two months. Why? Because this is my life and I am enjoying it. I feel unproductive most days but I will change that by giving myself homework. Other than that life here is great. I keep on thinking to myself that I could settle here. The life isn't mundane though neither is it go go go go all the time. I'm experiencing life in a whole new way and I hope to take some these habits I learn here and bring them to my life in the states.

canoes, caves, and the like

Got this picture offline but here is a visual taste of my day.

Saturday was a day that I hope I never forget for the rest of my days on Earth. I can say that saw and did things, I thought I would never do in my life. Or even on this trip alone. Saturday we journeyed to a city called Ribadesella. Here we canoed down this river for about 3-4hrs. My partner was excellent. We are both competitive so that certainly keep us moving through the river. The only thing that did suck that day was that I didn't bring my camera due to the fact that I was in a canoe most of the trip. It was so fantastic to experience. Surprisingly I didn't come out of it too sore. Which is such a plus.

After we got to our destination, we quickly showered and changed. Walked for about 5 to 10 minutes. Entered a cave that will never forget for the life of me. The cave is called Tito Bustillo Cueva. I'm pretty sure I learned about this cave in Art History 101. Saying that, this experience meant so much to me. The caves were founded in 1968. Inside the cave are late Paleolithic cave paintings. The cave is covered with paintings although we only saw a few paintings. 

It wasn't this well lite but still amazing

I saw something that is older than you and you and you and the oldest person you know. Its older than anything you will ever know. I sat amazed...or stood amazed.

I have been hearing him ever since I prayed that prayer

Everyday my attitude changes and evolves into something different. I am loving Spain and specially the city that I am in. I have hit some little road blocks but really nothing major. Tuesday we started Spanish classes and it was scary but so great. I have classes 2hrs a day, 5 days a week. Its like taking an interim class every month. My Profe is quite amazing. He speaks a little English in the class since there are some students in my class that have never taken a Spanish course in their life. Though, very soon the class will be solely in Spanish. Today was probably one of the better days. Every day is great but today was just so amazing. Went to class and on Thursday and Fridays I only have Spanish. After class my friends and I hung out for a bit until it was time to go home for lunch. Once I got to my piso, flat, I noticed that I left my keys and my iPod at school! I quickly called my friend Mag up. He lives closer to school than I do. He saved my life at that point. My possessions were found and by that time I just decided to go out for lunch. Had this lovely meal with Mag and Hannah. The waitress kept laughing at us because we weren't being too clear in what wanted...our Spanish is still muy mal. After lunch I met up with some friends and Profe Slagter to find some books.
All I wanted was a Spanish workbook because in my Spanish class there is no homework since we meet every day for 2 hours. I didn't find anything I liked and to be honest I was irritated for some reason. I just wanted more time by myself looking at the books. But I couldn't get that since I was with a bunch of other people. So I decided to wait. To hold off and see if I liked anything else in the day. I ended up buying a sketch book. I haven't really been drawing. I just fell out of it. For some reason I get discouraged in my drawing.
The next store we went to our group downsized...and in this children's book store I found something. The Lion, the Witch, and Wardrobe in Spanish. Something so familiar to me becoming strangely different. My excitement in me rose. I haven't really been connecting excitement with Spanish. I have no idea why. But my learning to read this book gave me the excitement I needed.


What God has been teaching me.
A lot of times life for me involving God is like cracking a code. I have this problem. I need to solve it. I can solve it two ways. What my flesh wants and then what the holy spirit wants. I seem to crack the code before I even understand it myself. Once I do, I can feel the Reign of God flooding down on me. I feel the warmth of His hug and the strength in His voice has He tells me, "You've done well, faithful servant." I have had the chance many times this week to look back on what Christianity looks like from afar...the terminology is strange, the church attendance seems too much, the commitment is exhausting, it seems like a lot of work just for some God, and its a religion. I have also had the chance to express why I believe in a God. Also the chance to question why I keep to my faith. I am so thankful for the experience. I didn't think God would test me as much as he is right now. I thought it was going to be a struggle for me to keep faith in God here. I thought I was going to grow as a good person but not in my faith. I thought I was going to be drunk a lot. I thought Spain was a time away from "real" life. That is not AT ALL what my experience has been like. So DRASTICALLY different. I feel alive in different country unlike I do in the States.
When my Mother wasn't too sick yet, I prayed to God to test me. I prayed to Him to test me in a way that I would fall more for him. That he would chisel away the disgusting things in my being. That I would become his masterpiece.
                                [I haven't thought about that prayer again until today.]
This morning when I thought about it, I cried. I cried tears of happiness. I felt the chiseled pieces on the ground. I felt the smooth parts of my heart and also felt the roughness that is still being worked on. In bible study people have been talking about how the heard God...also in youth group last week. I was stunned...THEY HEARD GOD! LIKE THAT!?!?! I WANT TO TOO! How dumb of me...I have been hearing him ever since I prayed that prayer. The love of God is swallowing me up and I want all of you to see it.

pride tearing down

Lately, I have been learning a lot. One thing that I seem to be learning to the core is my issue with pride. I'm so prideful. I'm prideful in the things I know and even in the things I think I know. I'm a hurricane of bullshit. I flaunt the things I think I know and make sure people know that I know them. Being Spain I am the international now. A very good portion of my friends are internationals. Whether that be from Korea or from Latin America. I also live extremely close to Mexico in my home town. Most of my friends speak spanish. I remember freshman year I would flaunt my knowledge about culture. I would look at internationals in a different way. That we share some sense of similarities. There are some things but really not enough to have some deep connection. 

Not only do I hold pride in my knowledge and cultural "savvy" knowledge but also in toughness. I have been through a lot, seen things, and experienced a lot of horrible situations. If not in emotional life experiences then in playing some intense sport. I'm prideful in my aggressiveness. I'm not sure where this all comes from. Its not genetic though I do know my Brother, Britton, and I share it. 

Lately, my pride has been stripped down. Ever day it seems like my pride is being stripped from my bones. Anne Banyai has been a huge contributor. She has seen my pride and has been putting a mirror to my face, showing my behavior. Though, just being an international now I can certainly sympathize with the ones at Calvin. Or with whom as ever been one. I'm only here for 4 months but the feeling that you are different sometimes gets overwhelming. At times I can certainly feel it back home in San Diego but thats where I was born and I have a sense of "this is my turf too!" Here I'm one who sticks out just from my appearance. If not my appearance, which I doubt, then my horrible spanish. When people ask where our group is from, I instantly confess that I am from California not Michigan. 

Today we hiked to the Cristo that over looks all of Oviedo. I heard it is the 3rd largest Cristo in the world. It was a huge hike but so worth it. I'm different then a lot of people here in Spain. Sometimes its point out a lot more than other times. Whenever I meet a Christian here, its an immediate connection. The weight of language being a barrier suddenly drops when we worship together. I stand out in a different way here in Spain. A way that I hate. In my group I try to stand out because I hate looking all the same and I hate being the American group. A foreign country will never change where I was born though it will change my outlook on life. 

So I want to say sorry to people that I may have made them felt inferior to me. I want to say sorry to the international people at Calvin. I had no idea what I was talking about. Or what I was actually relating myself to. 

Though the thing about Spain is that its so European. I hear so much Spanish every single day. I sometimes wish I was doing this study abroad in Latin America or even Mexico.