A post from my heart.
Something I need to just express. This may be at the edge of being a journal entry but my heart seems to be conflicted.
I couldn't seem to figure out why I wanted to go home. Some friends in my group have said they are terribly sad to leave. I wondered why because I was so excited to leave. I haven’t had much time to address the issue but I figured out why once the words were vocalized. When I return home my niece or my sobrina will be born. My eyes start to tear up. I assume many reasons why my eyes tear...and then it hits me. Or more so, it sits right beside me like it will till the day I die. My mom won’t be there and neither will I until the 31st. How angry I get at..the air...for that. How much she is needed. I want my brother to have her there because I know I won’t have her there either. She needs to be there.
I experienced so much in Spain. I saw history and felt it at my finger tips. I brushed up against a Roman construction. I stepped into 3095729370 cathedrals and saw Jesus presented in so many different ways. I heard the words of Spanish enter my ears and then out of my mouth. I kissed in Spain and then became friends. I learned to love to go shopping and never knew I liked it so much. My lips tasted sidra from Asturtias and the cheeses that tingle your tongue. I tried with endless attempts to communicate in Spanish with a Spaniard that knew no English. I became friends with people that I hope I never lose contact with.
I feel too much at times. I get stressed out easily. Though Spain, my Spain experience, has taught me to go against that. Lead with reason. Stress gets no one to no place. I wonder at times if I have changed enough for my friends and family back home to realize. I want it so bad to be noticed because when I left...I didn’t enjoy that person much.
I know though that “communicationaly” I’m drenched, exhausted, ringed out of...it. Everyday I struggle with expressing myself in Spanish fully. I have too many pride issues. If I can’t say it right...I won’t say it at all. I’m so dumb sometimes. Though I am trying to get over that. It will help a lot next spring I suppose.
Tomorrow marks tres dias. The biggest concern I honestly have on my mind is how to pack. Where do I fit the gifts? The sidra for christmas and the wine for my dad. Or how about the clothes I bought myself? I’m not sure. (this has changed but I still thought I would include it)
But where does God fit in all of this? I’m craving an embrace by him. I’m craving an american church. I really am. The frustrating thing about this trip is not being able to understand the things that I really need. Like church services or doctors...Though love comes in different forms. I can sense it or I can even feel it. The arm, the shoulder or the smile that says everything.
The other day I thought I needed comfort from human being. I thought they would have all the right answers in the way they touched me or talked to me. I believed that nothing could go wrong or be wrong with this concept. I noticed I started to put them before God. Before God’s comfort. I noticed I was being selfish. My friend heard terrible news the other day and here I was sinning. Putting doubts on God. Sometimes I think that since I am so far away from the States...I am also so far away from God. Not true. He is always as close as my own heart beat.
Though from all of this I have come to the conclusion of what I am about to share next.
Today I noticed that I need a woman figure in my life. Someone to put energy and care into my life like my mom did. I need that example. Just someone to point to that scripture of truth. Out of complete impulse I applied for a Mentor at my College. As the days go by I notice the changing of the colors. The leaves have turned and fallen. The weather changes and we adapt to what it is. Extra layers, an umbrella, and warm foods and drinks. As my days change, I need to start adapting to it. I need to start ingesting those warm words and warm guidance. I need a spiritual leader again.
I have gotten a lot closer to my dad from the past summer and the time I have been out of the states. He has taught me a lot but not as much as my mom would. Well, I haven’t learned it from a woman’s perspective.
This trip I have been on has taught me a very solid thing. People that have no relation to you can become your family. They can guide you and be with you. They can even love you like their own. Of course you might feel a different connection with your family but maybe its time to let walls down. After being at Calvin and now being in Spain, I have learned that. Its simple but oh so precious. I hoping that the decisions I start making now will reflect this relationally.
I always talk about what I need or what God showed me...or how I want to change. It is important to tell you why. If you are reading this and have read my other blogs and my other writings. You know then that I have been on a big journey. Discovering myself and maturing. I talk a lot about what I need to do and also what God has shown me because I want to help others. I want to be qualified to help others. To listen to sorrow and listen to joys. I want to be there for the weak and there for the strong. I want to bestow God’s love on them. I want to share my journey...my life...my will with others. Maybe to be an example or to show that we all struggle. That I certainly keep on sinning. I pray for my life to be an influence on the people around me. To direct them to the Father. I don’t always practice this I have to admit. I’m trying. I have 4 days left here. Trying to make the most of it. Take care.
Something I need to just express. This may be at the edge of being a journal entry but my heart seems to be conflicted.
I couldn't seem to figure out why I wanted to go home. Some friends in my group have said they are terribly sad to leave. I wondered why because I was so excited to leave. I haven’t had much time to address the issue but I figured out why once the words were vocalized. When I return home my niece or my sobrina will be born. My eyes start to tear up. I assume many reasons why my eyes tear...and then it hits me. Or more so, it sits right beside me like it will till the day I die. My mom won’t be there and neither will I until the 31st. How angry I get at..the air...for that. How much she is needed. I want my brother to have her there because I know I won’t have her there either. She needs to be there.
I experienced so much in Spain. I saw history and felt it at my finger tips. I brushed up against a Roman construction. I stepped into 3095729370 cathedrals and saw Jesus presented in so many different ways. I heard the words of Spanish enter my ears and then out of my mouth. I kissed in Spain and then became friends. I learned to love to go shopping and never knew I liked it so much. My lips tasted sidra from Asturtias and the cheeses that tingle your tongue. I tried with endless attempts to communicate in Spanish with a Spaniard that knew no English. I became friends with people that I hope I never lose contact with.
I feel too much at times. I get stressed out easily. Though Spain, my Spain experience, has taught me to go against that. Lead with reason. Stress gets no one to no place. I wonder at times if I have changed enough for my friends and family back home to realize. I want it so bad to be noticed because when I left...I didn’t enjoy that person much.
I know though that “communicationaly” I’m drenched, exhausted, ringed out of...it. Everyday I struggle with expressing myself in Spanish fully. I have too many pride issues. If I can’t say it right...I won’t say it at all. I’m so dumb sometimes. Though I am trying to get over that. It will help a lot next spring I suppose.
Tomorrow marks tres dias. The biggest concern I honestly have on my mind is how to pack. Where do I fit the gifts? The sidra for christmas and the wine for my dad. Or how about the clothes I bought myself? I’m not sure. (this has changed but I still thought I would include it)
But where does God fit in all of this? I’m craving an embrace by him. I’m craving an american church. I really am. The frustrating thing about this trip is not being able to understand the things that I really need. Like church services or doctors...Though love comes in different forms. I can sense it or I can even feel it. The arm, the shoulder or the smile that says everything.
The other day I thought I needed comfort from human being. I thought they would have all the right answers in the way they touched me or talked to me. I believed that nothing could go wrong or be wrong with this concept. I noticed I started to put them before God. Before God’s comfort. I noticed I was being selfish. My friend heard terrible news the other day and here I was sinning. Putting doubts on God. Sometimes I think that since I am so far away from the States...I am also so far away from God. Not true. He is always as close as my own heart beat.
Though from all of this I have come to the conclusion of what I am about to share next.
Today I noticed that I need a woman figure in my life. Someone to put energy and care into my life like my mom did. I need that example. Just someone to point to that scripture of truth. Out of complete impulse I applied for a Mentor at my College. As the days go by I notice the changing of the colors. The leaves have turned and fallen. The weather changes and we adapt to what it is. Extra layers, an umbrella, and warm foods and drinks. As my days change, I need to start adapting to it. I need to start ingesting those warm words and warm guidance. I need a spiritual leader again.
I have gotten a lot closer to my dad from the past summer and the time I have been out of the states. He has taught me a lot but not as much as my mom would. Well, I haven’t learned it from a woman’s perspective.
This trip I have been on has taught me a very solid thing. People that have no relation to you can become your family. They can guide you and be with you. They can even love you like their own. Of course you might feel a different connection with your family but maybe its time to let walls down. After being at Calvin and now being in Spain, I have learned that. Its simple but oh so precious. I hoping that the decisions I start making now will reflect this relationally.
I always talk about what I need or what God showed me...or how I want to change. It is important to tell you why. If you are reading this and have read my other blogs and my other writings. You know then that I have been on a big journey. Discovering myself and maturing. I talk a lot about what I need to do and also what God has shown me because I want to help others. I want to be qualified to help others. To listen to sorrow and listen to joys. I want to be there for the weak and there for the strong. I want to bestow God’s love on them. I want to share my journey...my life...my will with others. Maybe to be an example or to show that we all struggle. That I certainly keep on sinning. I pray for my life to be an influence on the people around me. To direct them to the Father. I don’t always practice this I have to admit. I’m trying. I have 4 days left here. Trying to make the most of it. Take care.
2 comments:
Well written Brenna, you have grown a LOT while away from home! beware that 'reentry' will be a challenge, and that people will be different than you expect! (i even had this after student teaching in new mexico!)you are an awesome kid! i think it is great that you have asked for a mentor and look forward to hearing how that goes!!! great! brenna, you can find 'family' wherever you are! people ARE great...you just always have to find them...and sometimes they're right under your nose...unexpectedly! your mom was family to me... some people are in your life for a reason (short term), some for a season (longer term) and some for a lifetime! praise the LORD! :) love ya...
Your thoughts are a blessing to me.
Post a Comment